How would you, yes you, personally take this news? How would you come to terms with this fact at the age of 24? You couldn’t. I couldn’t. I can’t and to be perfectly honest I never will.
I think about it every day. There is something living inside of me that wants to kill me, that will kill me. One day.
As I have said in a previous post I remember being told like it was yesterday, I remember every single word the surgeon said to me, but nothing will ever help me come to terms with the bottom line. It is like being tortured every day, except I have only imagined being tortured or similar atrocities, I always had my little safe haven of my life to come back to, safe in the knowledge that I was healthy (relatively) and would eventually live out to get married, have kids and have a life that I could be proud of. I could always go back to my perfect little world in my head, and be happy. I don’t know if I can be ever truly happy again. Sure I have an amazing family and fiancée, a home that keeps me fed and watered, brilliant friends that make me smile and keep me entertained. But at the back of all this is like a metaphoric cancer in my head that grows with anxiety and dread every time in the day I think about the actual cancer in my head. The bad thoughts can never be controlled.
The smallest thing can trigger a thought; an old couple on Grand Designs, building their dream home – I will never get that chance. A woman pushing a pram in the street – I will never have a child of my own, to love and adore and to be the most important thing in my life, not this bastard cancer.
I understand this is really a personal blog, and maybe I should be concentrating on thanking all the amazing people that have donated money to me to have the trip of a lifetime, and I am so grateful for that, but I also want you to know about the living hell I have to think about each day. Love is what gets me through. Loving other people and being loved, if you are loved in my life you know who you are – because I tell you. I know I am very well loved and this makes me smile and makes what I potentially have left as a life – bearable.
I used to have “life” all wrong, thinking fast cars and money would make me happy, sure money does certainly take the sting out of being poor, but it doesn’t make you healthy and it certainly can’t cure cancer. Money is an object created by man to make the world go around so that “everybody” can live happily and earn a living – to keep control and order. We forget that money is not the most important thing in the world. You could give a starving child in Africa a suitcase full of cash in the middle of a jungle and it couldn’t feed him – he would die by the time he got to food – to buy. I digress.
I could potentially fall asleep on a night feeling completely fine and never wake up. I, as you all know, do not believe in a God, or religion, deity or spirit. Science tells us we die – we cease to exist. Unlike others I find comfort in this because I will never know if I die. I will simply fall asleep one night and not wake up, or just die. I have the easy job, my family will be left to pick up the pieces and utter mess that I will leave behind – this is the hardest part, for me. Seeing them so upset every time it is mentioned, crying at the sight of a baby picture or graduation photo, the utter despair I see in people’s eyes when I tell them about my condition. My parents look like shadows, they will never be the same again. My brother is devastated and has to live through this, until one day I go, and this will be etched in his memory for eternity. My fiancée looks at me with hope and tragedy in her eyes, she knows. I love her, more than I thought I could love anybody, I may only be 24 but I have had to fucking grow up really quickly these past few months, and I defy any person who could cope as well, so I know I love her and wish I could have spent my life with her.
It fucking sucks, but that is life – ups and downs, swings and round-a-bouts, births and deaths. I suppose I just have to deal with the card I have been dealt, and so does my family, they may never be normal again due to the amount of loss and the huge cavern that will now plague their lives, but they will live on after they have mourned me, and that (what I have learned anyway) is what life is all about. Getting on with the shit, and sailing through the good times. I am certain there will be so many more good times in the rest of my life no matter how long or short.
Do you know how you will die?
Nor do I, I know I will probably die sooner than you, but I don’t know how, when or more importantly why. But I know 2 things, I do not want to die in any kind of pain, and I know I will die because it is my time, I have a terminal brain tumour, and I will die because of it. In a way I feel lucky because I know what I will die from, but I will never understand why – I had the brightest future, dimmed by cancer. Bastard cancer.